Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
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What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.