All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
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I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them