If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
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Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?