Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
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Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat