My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
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Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?