If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
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how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.