[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
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Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
we’re gonna need another temp
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.