The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
You Might Also Like
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no