Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
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Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
having children is a pyramid scheme.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that