If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
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Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*