One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
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ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Never forget.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
This has made my week.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’