[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
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Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance