You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
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gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.