Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
You Might Also Like
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
🤣dope
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.