There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
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the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa