Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
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No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath