Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
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I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins