I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
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zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments