Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
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Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
How to properly lift a body
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Admin smashed it 😂
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.