Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
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Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Unexpected Judgment
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own