Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
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Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
sigh
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.