Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
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After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
reviewed some movies recently
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination