There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
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My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
hi why am I like this
there has never been a better use of this meme
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.