After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
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[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
The asteroid..
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”