I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
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I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train