Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
You Might Also Like
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
At least my masseuse has my back.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.