cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
You Might Also Like
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Social distancing in Australia:
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Siri: Retweet me.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.