shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
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I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
That’s what I call a flat tire
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.