My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
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Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.