Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
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I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
They also CAN sing✌️
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.