I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
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Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent