Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
You Might Also Like
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.