One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
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Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
*orders delivery*
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing