The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
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December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
You had me at “define legal”.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.