Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
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Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Peace was never an option
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.