How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
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Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.