the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
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Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Jogging
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels