Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
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clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.