Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
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Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
then why did i get this email
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
i like to flex on them by shrugging
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”