9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
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Good day meowlady
* tips cat
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.