Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
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I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
This is me 🤣🤣
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.