*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
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this is the best interaction on twitter
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.