website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
You Might Also Like
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire