Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
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16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!