We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
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Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.