It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
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Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…