“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
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“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂