Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
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Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
The French cow says MEUX…
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
RT if you could go either way.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.