excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
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Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Stick it to the man
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED