My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
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“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
how much for the angry fruit?
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.